Ah, the fuzzy picture, the 4:3 aspect ratio, the gratuitous toplessness of pay-cable content – if anything recalls Homer Simpson’s 20th-centuryism of “the warm glow of TV’s warm glow,” it’s a ridiculous, punny, irony-drenched old episode of Tales from the Crypt. Ongoing legal-rights issues kept the beloved cult anthology series – which originally aired on HBO from 1989-1996 – in streaming dormancy until now, when Shudder at long last rolls out all seven seasons, one season per week, so you can savor the silliness. Whether a long-discussed reboot ever sees the light of day remains to be seen – RIP to the series produced by M. Night Shyamalan that bit the dust a decade ago – but at least the old ghouls have been released from the grave so we can appreciate their company.
Opening Shot: Classic: The long oner leading into an old house and down to the cellar where our beloved Cryptkeeper host-puppet guy (voiced by John Kassir) emerges from a coffin, cackling.
The Gist: Sitting on my bookshelf like a small row of tombstones are hardcover collections of Two-Fisted Tales, Weird Science and, yes, Tales from the Crypt, all E.C. Comics from the 1950s that were controversial for their alleged warping of young readers’ minds, and the subject of censorship. Stories from these and a bevy of other E.C. horror/war/etc. genre comics were adapted to the Tales from the Crypt series – created by its print publisher Bill Gaines, alongside Steven Dodd – which drew significant talent both in front of and behind the camera. In the credits for the debut episode, The Man Who Was Death, are Richard Donner, Joel Silver and Robert Zemeckis as executive producers; co-writer and director Walter Hill (The Warriors, The Driver, 48 Hrs.); score composer Ry Cooder; Danny Elfman as creator of the theme song; and star Bill Sadler, one of Those Guys, character actors whose faces we know from countless movies and TV shows.
Sadler plays Niles Talbot, the guy on death row who gets his jollies by pulling the lever (please pronounce that lee-ver) on the electric chair. He’s done it many many times. A total pro. Now, he’s not a gleeful sort who cackles as the condemned become bacon, eggs and hash browns in the chair; he’s more of a garden-variety sociopath who talks to us, the audience, in direct address, saying things like, “He’s wondering if he’s gonna crap all over himself when I juice him in a couple minutes. (pause) He will.”
Niles goes on about the pride he takes in his work, debunking myths that dudes’ eyeballs bug out when they’re zapped, stuff like that. One fateful day he pulls up a barstool for a brewski and catches a news report: The death penalty in this state is going bye-bye. Niles gets laid off, and now he has no outlet for his sadistic urges. So he watches as total jackholes and crumbums get off the hook for their crimes thanks to legal loopholes and whatnot, and adds “judge and jury” to his previous “executioner” title. Think he’ll get away with such vigilantism? Not if karma has any say in the matter.
What Shows Will It Remind You Of? The anthology-series revival of the mid-1980s lit my little Gen-X brain on fire. Steven Spielberg produced Amazing Stories, and the ’85 reboot of Alfred Hitchcock Presents: never forget! Otherwise, Shudder turned Creepshow from movie to TV show a while back, and The Twilight Zone is pretty much ground zero for this stuff.
Our Take: Full disclosure: After dusting off 35-ish years of brain cobwebs, I can’t recall having seen much of Tales from the Crypt during its heyday (my excuse? An unhealthy obsession with Ren and Stimpy and The Simpsons, maybe?). So it’s with fresh eyes, ears and mouth that I say, this Hill-directed opening ep is a hoot. Sadler’s so dead-serious in the lead role it’s comical, Hill uses noir inflections to churn up some grimy atmosphere, and the whole endeavor is charmingly cheap-looking, almost certainly by design. (Note, the remaster might be questionable – it retains the 4:3 ratio but looks a little wonky, a strange, visually disconnected amalgam of high-def/high-frame-rate movement in the foreground with a lot of “vintage” grainy noise in the background. It could’ve just been a dodgy advance screener, though.)
But true to the old comics, The Man Who Was Death assures us that, in the E.C. reality bubble, God Or Whoever (read: the writer) has a rich sense of ironic humor. The thrill of these stories stems from grim-’n’-gruesome comedy and adult themes – hence why reruns of the series were edited for mainstream television; Shudder presents them in their original uncut form – as well as a moralistic streak insisting that creeps like Niles would never go unpunished for their ugly deeds. That sure seems quaint in the modern day, when, say, I dunno, high-profile pedophiles go unpunished, stuff like that. Frankly, in that context, a Crypt reboot might be a satisfying fantasy for many. Just do it right, people, and get Jordan Peele, Zach Cregger, the Philippou Bros. or someone of that ilk to oversee it.
Performance Worth Watching: The proposed Shyamalan reboot reportedly would have axed the Cryptkeeper, which is a cut-off-your-nose-to-spite-your-face move. Without the demented Muppet and Kassir’s lunatic line-readings – the series’ mainstay and connective tissue – Tales from the Crypt would be all cake and no frosting.
Sex And Skin: Come to think of it, that’s an outsized portion of T&A for one 27-minute episode. 1989!
Parting Shot: The Cryptkeeper says, “Remember, boys and girls, safety first!” as he fries his own little puppet ass in an electric chair.
Sleeper Star: I’ll use this space to remind you who dropped by for small roles in this series: Brad Pitt, Whoopi Goldberg, Demi Moore, Bill Paxton, Joe Pesci, Kyle McLachlan, Ewan McGregor – and that’s just in the trailer. The full list is three columns and a few screens deep on Wikipedia, and the number of A-listers is shocking.
Most Pilot-y Line: The Cryptkeeper, from the Shudder-specific trailer, which features Kassir’s voice: “Did you miss me, my horror-hungry humans? Of corpse you did!” And, “I shudder to think what might happen if you don’t watch!”
Our Call: Tales from the Crypt holds up nicely, so keep your Pails of the Crapt jokes to yourselves! STREAM IT.
John Serba is a freelance film critic from Grand Rapids, Michigan. Werner Herzog hugged him once.